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The “Shark Tank” maestro, whose sobriquet “Mr. Wonderful” doth belie the merciless calculus of his soul, hath decreed that the myriad tokens of the digital realm are naught but distractions. “Why scatter thy seeds in barren soil?” he intones, his voice dripping with the honeyed sarcasm of a man who hath profited handsomely from the credulity of others. “Bitcoin and Ethereum alone shall suffice, for they are the twin pillars upon which the temple of crypto is built.” 🏛️

Bitcoin, the darling of the digital world, dipped to the dizzying depth of $113K on Thursday morning, after the Bureau of Labor Statistics (BLS) announced slightly hotter-than-expected inflation in its August Consumer Price Index (CPI) report. The news, oh the irony, comes just a day after the BLS revealed August wholesale inflation had the audacity to ease 0.1% as measured by the Producer Price Index (PPI).

The board’s official line? “We’re going to diversify our treasury and strengthen our AI game with these shiny new digital things!” Sounds like a plan, right? 🧠💻 Who knew that digital assets could be the secret sauce to next-gen AI products? If only they’d shared that idea with us a few years ago! 🙄

Dogecoin, ladies and gentlemen, has finally managed to break out of its symmetrical triangle pattern after what feels like 87 years of consolidation. 💤 It did this near $0.24, pushing the price higher and, surprise surprise, confirming a bullish setup. 🤑

In a rather charming X statement on Thursday, the good people at Ethena admitted that they’d been met with a bit of grumbling from the community. Some naysayers had raised concerns about the whole ‘not being a Hyperliquid-native’ thing. Quite the sticky wicket, I dare say! But in a show of magnanimity, Ethena decided to step aside and let the chaps at Native Markets have their turn at the front of the queue. Ah, competition-what a noble thing!

So here we are, folks. HBAR has dusted itself off after flirting with disaster (looking at you, rejection at $0.30) and is ready to strut its stuff again. It’s like that friend who always bounces back after a breakup-they’re fine, they swear! Except in this case, instead of ice cream therapy, HBAR has SWIFT testing it for cross-border payments. Talk about a glow-up 💁‍♀️.

Stablecoins started as a little hack to make crypto traders’ lives easier. Imagine a token that’s pegged to the US dollar, making liquidity in a market that never sleeps just a tad bit more bearable. Fast forward a few years, and what do we have? A full-blown onchain financial ecosystem where dollar-pegged coins are the bosses – setting prices, collateral norms, and determining just how risky we want our digital lives to be. Well, that escalated quickly.

Now, why is this so important? Well, as the SEC’s XRP docket enters its dramatic final act, there’s a whole bunch of “endgame” dates clustered together, all demanding a verdict. Under Section 19(b)(2) of the Exchange Act, once proceedings begin on a 19b-4 proposal (and let’s face it, those names are a real party starter), the SEC has up to 180 days to make up its mind. Plus, they can add a single 60-day extension, which they have done here, because who doesn’t love a good deadline? And that’s why the Nov. 14 date is so significant. It’s not just a delay in the everyday sense. No, no. It’s a hard deadline, a ticking clock, a digital guillotine, if you will.

Chainlink’s native token LINK (LINK), much to the delight of its holders, crossed the $24 threshold, advancing 2.5% on Thursday. This delightful news comes as the oracle provider, with the elegance of a seasoned performer, revealed a joint project with DigiFT and UBS to automate tokenized fund operations in Hong Kong. 🎭🎉

On the fateful day of September 8, Bitchat recorded a staggering 48,781 downloads in Nepal, a figure that constitutes a titillating 39% of its global embrace. One might say the app has become the belle of the ball, albeit a ball thrown in the face of authority. 🎭