January 2026 has been anything but dull when it comes to long-dormant bitcoin wallets finally stretching their legs after years of silence. Case in point: on Jan. 10, a mega whale from the 2010 era resurfaced for the first time since bitcoin’s early days, unloading 2,000 bitcoin by sending them straight to Coinbase. 🐟💸
Active Addresses, those fickle spirits of the blockchain, have multiplied like roaches in a St. Petersburg tenement. Layer 1 solutions, the unsung heroes of this farce, have slashed fees with the precision of a bureaucrat’s quill. On the 17th of January, the network’s usage peaked, a spectacle as grand as a Gogol nose! 🤡
BitMine Immersion Technologies recently acquired 20,000 ETH (roughly $65.4M) from Kraken. One might call it a “purchase,” but the company prefers “rounding up loose coins from the floor of the crypto casino.”
BlackRock’s IBIT, the lone wolf of the pack, managed a meager $15.09M inflow. Meanwhile, Fidelity’s FBTC led the exodus with a whopping $205.22M in withdrawals. One might call it a “bank run,” but with blockchains and a suspiciously timed disco ball. 💃
While long-term bullish vibes linger, the short-term price action is as fickle as a squirrel in a nut orchard, with market narratives failing to spark sustained demand 🐿️💸. It’s a tale of two dogs: one wagging its tail in optimism, the other barking at the void.
Saylor’s big-brain moment? Companies hoarding cash are already making bets-they’re just pretending they’re not. Holding cash is like keeping your money in a sock under the mattress and hoping inflation doesn’t find it. Bitcoin? That’s just swapping the sock for a slightly shinier, more volatile sock. 🧦✨
Trump, never one to mince words (or, sometimes, make coherent sentences), weighed in on Kevin Hassett with this gem:
Canary Capital’s Steve McClurg, who’s probably more cautious than a kid in a candy store, says XRP might take a different path from Bitcoin. Because nothing says “practical” like a blockchain that’s… well, not sure what it does but it’s got a fancy name. 🧩
In a grand spectacle on X (formerly Twitter, but let’s not get technical), Vitalik lamented that Ethereum has sacrificed its soul-privacy, sovereignty, and even a smidgen of sanity-on the altar of mainstream fame. The hero of this tale dreams of simpler days, when running a full node was as easy as boiling an egg, not assembling an IKEA bed. Thanks to fancy ZK-EVM magic and sleek updates, he says local verification can make a comeback. Hooray for tech wizardry, or so we hope! 🎩✨
The White House is reportedly “furious” with Coinbase’s decision to pull out of negotiations, calling it a “rug pull” against them and the rest of the crypto industry. 🚫 I mean, I’ve seen some salty tweets in my day, but this takes the cake.