For this seven-day thrill ride, lawmakers plan to dig into three digital asset bills: the CLARITY Act (which sounds reassuringly like a brand of eye drops), the Anti-CBDC Act (a bold stand against terrifying acronyms), and the GENIUS Act (presumably named using the same process as middle school science fair projects).
According to the esteemed soothsayers over at Matrixport—who, I imagine, consult the stars and then look at some spreadsheets or whatever it is they do—if the seasonal antics and capital shuffles cooperate, Bitcoin (BTC) could very well waltz up to $120,000 this month. Yes, my fine fellows, the report states that realized price swings have reached multi-year lows! What does that mean? Simply that the market’s calming down, or maybe it’s just on an extended tea break. ☕
Fidelity’s FBTC ETF, the vanguard of this financial revolution, saw a staggering $237 million daily inflow, cementing its status as the leader in Bitcoin funds. Bitwise’s BITB ETF, not to be outdone, recorded a modest $15.53 million, while Ark’s ARKB ETF followed with a respectable $114 million. Even the Bitcoin Trust (GBTC) by Grayscale, known for its history of redemptions, managed to stabilize with a small inflow of $5.84 million. 🙏
Le noble Bitcoin grimpa de 38% pointus cet illustre hiver 2020, lorsque Sa Majesté Président Trump signa un opulent parchemin de dépenses. Imaginez donc : les marchés, comme des courtisans affamés, dansaient autour de la flambée joyeuse de la dette ! 🎭
Crypto presales—they surge forward as if spurred by hunger after a Siberian winter. Behind them move the giants, Mastercard, Visa—mysterious as Politburo meetings—joined by a strange herd of ETFs, stampeding over reason and common sense.
In a groundbreaking move, HSBC has teamed up with Abu Dhabi Securities Exchange and First Abu Dhabi Bank to launch the MENA region’s first digitally native bond using distributed ledger technology. As reported by Middle East Economy, ADX has already commenced the pricing process for the product.
According to the complaint, the defendants – including RealToken LLC, co-founders Remy and Jean-Marc Jacobson, and 165 affiliated corporate entities – have allowed these properties to deteriorate like a sad, abandoned Jenga tower. 🏚️😱
According to a little birdie at Reuters (who, incidentally, is on the verge of getting a promotion), JD.com and Ant Group are practically banging down the doors of China’s central bank. They want the green light for Yuan-based stablecoins, preferably with a side of dim sum, routed through Hong Kong.
Tom Lee. Yes, the man who in 2017 declared—deadpan, before God and CNBC—that Bitcoin would ascend to $55,000 while it scraped aimlessly near $2,000. The CNBC anchors smiled at Lee then, the way doctors smile at patients who swear they’ve swallowed a planet, and Wall Street barely stifled its giggles. Meanwhile, Jamie Dimon planned public executions (career-wise), and Warren Buffett fingered his abacus, muttering “rat poison squared.” A menagerie of misplaced faith, if ever there was one.
The assailant, disguised with the subtlety of a third-rate actor in a masquerade, attempted to force a bag over Heath’s head on the building staircase. In a moment of pure instinct, Heath bit the man’s hand, severing a finger and, in a rather dramatic fashion, managed to flee. The DNA from the detached digit, a macabre calling card if ever there was one, helped the authorities identify the attacker, a foreign national with documents as genuine as a politician’s promise. Police discovered GPS trackers and burner phones, all part of a meticulously planned plot to detain Heath and extort his crypto, a scheme as elaborate as it was misguided.
