On Wednesday, the company revealed it’s basically putting its Bitcoin mining biz up on Craigslist: “Bitcoin Mining Operations—slightly used, comes with free existential crisis—best offer!” Any bitcoin they scrounge up from this garage sale will be used to pump up their Ethereum staking plans. Because what’s hotter than riding a crypto rollercoaster? Swapping it for a scarier one, of course! 🤑
Look! There goes trading volume—it’s dropped so hard, you’d think it’s gone off to a beach holiday somewhere. Bulls and bears are tiptoeing around, both equally clueless about whether to charge or hibernate. The last time we saw this kind of volume drought was when Grandpa tried to use the WiFi. That’s usually a sign: something loud is about to happen, especially with XRP squatting just under the 50-day and 100-day EMAs like a suspicious cat waiting for a mouse to appear.
The process? Simple—as long as your definition of “simple” includes several layers of cryptographic voodoo. Your ADA and LTC get tucked away safely in Coinbase custody, where they’re watched over like rare butterflies. In return, you get cbADA or cbLTC, which you can mint or burn at will. Regular audits assure us there’s actually something in the cookie jar, rather than just tumbleweeds and broken dreams.
As of this dazzling moment, Ethereum finds itself sprawled at $2,416, just under EMA’s disdainful gaze. If you think you’ve seen this accumulation phase before, darling, it’s because you absolutely have—right before the last time ETH decided to waltz skywards.
The grand assemblies of Wall Street were in a state of curious imbalance; while the venerable Dow Jones—so stately, so ponderous!—declined by 151.95 points (let us not be too dramatic, merely 0.35%), the sprightly and slightly scandalous Nasdaq ascended by 0.24%, wagging its finger at tradition. The S&P 500, meanwhile, maintained an air of polite indifference at a handsome 6,090 points, daring anyone to recall its dazzling February debut at 6,144. (We all know how society is with records: one moment a paragon, the next a mere footnote.)
Now, even though some folks have pocketed their profits, the long-term holders (the ones who treat Bitcoin like a secret stash of chocolate bars) are holding firm, refusing to sell an ounce. Nope, not a single satoshi is slipping away.
But here’s the real open interest has swaggered up to a deliciously monstrous $3.76 billion. Yes, billion with a B—because why dream small? What does that mean, you ask? Basically, the traders are so ready to commit, it’s getting suspiciously close to wedding vows. They’re all here, bags packed, either chasing the next green candle or bracing for drama so dramatic even their mothers would be proud.
Of that $5 billion mountain, the lion’s share is heading straight for Bitcoin. Metaplanet is on track to buy thirty thousand precious coins by the end of next year, and then, in true supervillain fashion, scooping up 210,000 Bitcoin by 2027. Why that particular number? Maybe Satoshi’s birthday, maybe a numerology thing, or maybe they just like round, intimidating goals.
FalconX (not to be confused with Falconcrest, though both excel at drama), possessing the keys to a 400-token-strong candy cart, is prophesied—by Jerald David, Lynq’s CEO, in his customary vowels—to “act as both a participant and a liquidity provider on the Lynq network.” One imagines the blushing tokens, all 400 of them, arrayed in trembling anticipation.
With a flourish only slightly less dramatic than a Dostoevsky confession, Saylor began his keynote—a performance titled “The Power of 21.” Last July, bitcoin soared 55% while Nasdaq, S&P 500, even gold stared glumly from the sidelines. Still, Saylor declared bitcoin’s trillion-dollar capitalization a mere flyspeck—less than 0.1% of global wealth—a sad, undernourished child beneath the table of the rich.
