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After weeks of frolic under the bullish sun, the tides of fortune are showing hints of a sour turn. The once merry market now murmurs of change, and the carefree party may be drawing to an unexpected close. 🌊

According to the latest 13F filings—because who doesn’t love a good number crunch?—Dalio’s Bridgewater Associates has decided to belly flop off its stake in the SPDR S&P 500 ETF. You know, just a casual checkmark against the performance of the S&P 500, no biggie. Now, this fund has become about 8.5% of Bridgewater’s overall portfolio thanks to Dalio’s expert timing. Honestly, can we just say “bravo” to this man for making money moves that look like he’s playing 3D chess while the rest of us are doodling on a napkin? 🎩

In a recent missive via X (formerly Twitter, darling), the illustrious blockchain soothsayers at Glassnode have provided us with a rather riveting insight into the Bitcoin shenanigans. They’ve noted that the volume of whale transfers, those hefty fortunes sloshing around, seems to be on the rise, as Bitcoin chastely retreats from its dizzying heights. How quaint! A classic case of “let’s see what else the party has to offer” when the Bitcoin balloon bursts just a tad.

Matt Hamilton, ex-Ripple bigwig turned ASIMOV Protocol guy, decided to play the “what if” game. What if MicroStrategy (now called “Strategy” because rebranding is cool) had gone all-in on XRP instead of Bitcoin? Spoiler alert: They’d be $56.8 billion richer. 😳 But hey, hindsight is 20/20, right? Unless you’re Michael Saylor, then it’s more like 20/blind. 🕶️

In an interview with CryptoMoon, Draper prophesized that, “Between 10-20 years from now, the dollar will be extinct.” Ah yes, extinction—because we all know how quickly the dollar goes from “dominant currency” to “that thing that used to exist.” And apparently, we’re in the middle of some grand “anthropological leap forward.” I mean, who doesn’t love a good leap into the unknown? 🦘

During a second-quarter earnings call that probably involved more suits than a Savile Row sale, Dimon defended the move, claiming it’s all about protecting the customer. Bless his heart. 💖 He wants us to know that we, the little people, have the “right” to decide what information gets shared. As if we’re all sitting around pondering the finer points of data privacy while sipping our lattes. ☕️

Look, bitcoin ( BTC) finally cracks $123,000 on July 14, and I’m sitting there thinking, ‘This is it, I’m rich!’ Then what? It tanks below $116,500 faster than I can say ‘bad investment.’ But hey, at least it sparked an altcoin frenzy, with ethereum ( ETH) rallying from under $3,000 to over $3,660 before pulling a classic bait-and-switch. ETH ends the week up 21.6%—not bad, but I’m still waiting for that stability I was promised. 😂

Shor’s algorithm, a quantum sorcerer’s incantation, looms with menace. Recent studies whisper that a quarter of Bitcoin’s kingdom could be devoured by the beast within a decade, triggering a market collapse so catastrophic, even Keynes would weep into his ale. 🍻

This upgrade means the network could theoretically handle up to 5,000 decentralized exchange swaps per second. Or, as it’s known in the real world, “enough to make your average trader’s head spin faster than a fidget spinner at a toddler’s birthday party.”

The ITRC reports a whopping 1,732 data breaches in the US during H1 2025, affecting a staggering 165,745,452 individuals. That’s more people than you can fit in a stadium, even if you tried to make it the world’s biggest stadium… and then doubled it. 🏟️