Senator Warren: No Bailouts for Crypto Billionaires – Not Even a Snack!

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Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass.), that human embodiment of fiscal responsibility and the guy who always brings the second fiddle to a solo violin recital, has penned a letter so sharp it could cut through a crypto wallet. Sent to Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent and Fed Chair Jerome Powell, it basically says, “Nope. Not happening. You’re on your own, crypto kings.” Because nothing says “public service” like waving a red flag in front of a bull named Bitcoin.

She’s demanding the Fed and Treasury refuse taxpayer-funded bailouts for crypto billionaires. Because nothing says “fairness” like using my hard-earned money to buy crypto billionaires a new yacht. Or a second yacht. Or a yacht-shaped trust fund for their kids.

The Senate Banking Committee’s top Democrat addressed the recent market turmoil, where Bitcoin shed half its value since October. Which is about as shocking as seeing a vegan at a steakhouse. You know it’s coming, but you still gasp like it’s the first time.

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Warren argues using taxpayer dollars to bail out crypto tycoons would be “deeply unpopular.” Which is just a fancy way of saying “steal from the little guy to give to the guy who owns a spaceship.” She also mentions the current sell-off is due to “cascading liquidations of leveraged positions.” Which sounds like a bad day at a casino, but with more spreadsheets.

Her letter cites that Binance’s CZ lost $30 billion, Coinbase’s Brian Armstrong lost $7 billion, and Michael Saylor’s MicroStrategy stock dropped 20%. Which is like me losing my Netflix password-dramatic, but not exactly a financial crisis. Still, Warren calls it out like it’s the end of civilization. Because nothing says “leadership” like crying over a million-dollar paper cut.

When asked if the government would bail out crypto, Bessent said they’re “retaining seized Bitcoin.” Which is code for “we’re keeping the evidence, but we’re not sure what it means.” Warren, unimpressed, wrote, “Rather than giving a simple ‘no,’ he deflected.” Because nothing says “transparency” like a government official who speaks in riddles and tax forms.

She’s telling the Fed and Treasury to stop propping up Bitcoin via asset purchases or federal guarantees. Because nothing says “stability” like letting a digital Ponzi scheme crash and burn. And then cleaning up the mess with a mop made of taxpayer dollars.

Stricter Regulations

Warren, ever the champion of the little guy, wants stricter crypto regulations. Because nothing says “protection” like letting people lose $17 billion to fraud and theft, then saying, “Oops, better regulate it now.” She concludes that federal agencies “must strengthen protections for retail crypto investors.” Which is a nice way of saying, “Don’t be stupid, but if you are, we’ll pretend we didn’t see it coming.”

The Fed and Treasury haven’t responded. Which is about as surprising as seeing a Republican admit climate change exists. Or a crypto billionaire admit they’re not actually building the future.

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2026-02-19 11:48