This Alcoholic-Fixer Company Just Bought $25M of a DOG Token! 💸 🍸 😂

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(Scene: a dim Moscow tavern where blockchain bros and vodka collide.)

Friends! Citizens! Unfortunates who still believe spreadsheets can atone for sins! Gather ye close, for I, chronicler of absurdities, must recount how the grand Nasdaq titan Safety Shot-ironically a firm peddling an “anti-hangover elixir”-has purchased twenty-five million dollars’ worth of BONK, which, as every child in Petersburg now knows, is nothing more than the digital ghost of a Shiba-Inu’s sneeze. 🤷‍♂️

Confession Bullet-points (with extra cynicism):

  • Safety Shot grabs a 10% sniff of Bonk.fun’s revenues-yes, comrade, you read that correctly: one-tenth of imaginary dog money’s real fees (≈ $35 million last month) now trickles into their already woozy treasury.
  • The deal ladles out $25,000,000 in pure BONK-coins that exist only so long as Solana’s hamster-wheel keeps spinning and humanity remains spiritually bankrupt.
  • Recurring income! Eternal recurrence, as our German friends say. 🙃 Every wag of the BONK tail feeds the corporate mouth.

In this tragic opera we find:

bonk price meme

BONK $0.00002550 ↑6.93% – proof that even the void can have a green candle if enough degenerates believe. 🚀

Observe the spectacle: Pump.fun vs Bonk.fun, a rivalry as epoch-shaking as Raskolnikov vs his landlady, now ending with Bonk.fun gulping down 80% of Solana’s daily mints-some days twenty thousand fresh tokens dumped like cheap samovars on a Siberian market. And volumes over $100 million! (Reader, if your soul is not yet dizzy, sip more anti-hangover potion.)

“Behold, the machine! It prints dog coins and existential dread in equal measure.”

Safety Shot-now debt-free, pockets bulging with fifteen million in crisp cash-will issue convertible preferred shares, a phrase so Byzantine it would make the Grand Inquisitor blush. Some 90% of their Bonk.fun haul gets rehypothecated back into more BONK, because recursion is the opium of the degen. 🔁🤦‍♂️

Note: BONK, fourth-largest jesting dog totem, totters under a $2B hallucination, caressed by 980,000 souls who presumably find Satoshi’s original vision too boring. It is woven into 400 Solana apps-gambling dens, yield farms, pixelated casinos masquerading as culture.

CEO Jarrett Boon assures us this is “not simply buying a cryptocurrency”-no, comrades, it is an acquisition of metaphysical revenues, a “highly profitable engine” whose pistons are nothing more than collective delirium. One wonders: if we all sobered up, would the engine stall, or would it simply bark?

Thus ends today’s parable: corporate America, hungover yet again, turns to a pixelated hound for salvation, preferring the uncanny yelp of blockchain to the stark silence of its own ledger. The balance sheet, once stoic priest, now sings shanties with a tail-wagging chorus. Drink your Safety Shot, friends; tomorrow we may need a tokenized ibuprofen. 🐶🍸📉

Memento Mori-and maybe diversify into cat meme coins next time?

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2025-08-12 00:04