US Government Giving Every Baby $1,000—Are We Living in Opposite Land?

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Picture this: one year from now, the country turns 250—yeah, America’s basically an old man wearing socks with sandals—and the government decides, “You know what? Every newborn gets a thousand bucks.” Not for diapers, not for formula… just, boom, here’s cash for all the fresh-out-of-the-oven humans. Happy Birthday, America, let’s hand out money like it’s Oprah’s Favorite Things. 🎁🍼

Apparently, this is all thanks to something called the Invest America Act. Congress actually passed it. Yes, that’s right! Congress. Doing something. I can’t believe it either. Who’s behind this stroke of generosity? Ted Cruz. Yeah, him! My guy from Texas, the expert in… well, let’s not go there. Not only does Baby USA get $1,000 right out of the gate, but friends, family, maybe your cousin who still owes you money, and—this is rich—businesses (like big corporations can’t resist a baby registry) can throw an extra five grand in the pot. Why not—maybe your newborn will get stock tips at the hospital. 👶💸

Now, where does the money go? Vegas? Lottery tickets? No, no: a giant, low-cost S&P 500 fund—just a little Wall Street flavor in your crib. The cash sits there, stewing tax-free like my neighbor’s spa, until you’re 18. Then comes the twist: you pull it out, the government takes a slice at the capital gains rate. Because you know, Uncle Sam never misses Thanksgiving or a cut of your windfall, even if you’re just out of high school. 🦃🍰

And if you want all the fine print (because who doesn’t love bedtime reading), check out the official Cruz PR masterpiece. I’m sure it’s a real page-turner.

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2025-07-05 01:27