XRP Mooning, SHIB Yawning, and China “Bans” Bitcoin…Again?! Larry David Reacts

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XRP eyes $3 rebound 

XRP is making a move? Oh, okay, sure, let’s all get excited like it’s Festivus. Look, the thing’s rebounding to $2.87 after a little nap. Impressive-if your idea of excitement is watching water boil. 🚰

  • Resilient bounce. Yeah, XRP took a little dip, got off the couch, and now everyone suddenly remembers it exists. $2.87! Not bad, not great. Somewhere between ‘look at me, I’m flying’ and ‘help, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.’

Now, everybody’s whispering, “Ooh, maybe it’ll hit $3 again!” Sure, anything’s possible. Next, you’ll tell me George will pay for dinner. The latest bounce is not just a relief rally, they say. If the ‘significant resistance levels’ drop, then-oh, I’m sorry, am I losing you? Welcome to crypto, where resistance means you probably owe someone money. Nothing says ‘fun’ like a rally that ends with a faceplant.

  • Technical indicators. Ooh, fancy! The RSI dipped below 46. You know what that means? Nope, me neither. But for the three people pretending to know technical analysis at coffee shops, this is huge. Buy, sell-flip a coin, you’ll feel just as smart. Currently, it’s $2.87. The next stop? Maybe $2.96, if the charts don’t spontaneously combust from all this enthusiasm. 🚀

Shiba Inu on-chain activity signals stagnation

Shiba Inu isn’t moving. Shocker! You got a meme coin with a gazillion tokens, and now there’s…nothing. Dead silence. Like a Sunday morning at my mother-in-law’s.

  • Minimal movement. 19.6 billion tokens traded in 24 hours sounds like a lot, right? Wrong. Picture a drop of water in the Atlantic. That’s how much that moves the dial. If you squint, you might see the impact, but, eh, probably not.

No one’s talking, the whales aren’t splashing, just sitting there, getting sunburned. A few years ago, you saw whales tossing around trillions of tokens like confetti-now it’s like a wedding that got called off. The excitement has flatlined. Someone get this token a coffee.

  • Whale silence. If even the whales aren’t partying, what hope is there for the little fish? “Waning large-holder engagement”-translation: everybody forgot their SHIB passwords.

It’s practically background noise at this point. And you know what people do with background noise? Nothing. They turn the TV up. 🦴

China crypto ban rumors resurface 

China’s banning crypto…again? Hold the phones, somebody call Kramer! Cryptocurrency folks panicking like they missed their stop on the subway and lost their wallet-which, honestly, probably happened.

  • Viral FUD. Over the weekend, whispers started making the rounds-China’s cracking down! Again! Because the last fifteen times clearly didn’t stick. Kalshi’s official account and First Squawk were out here spreading the “news” like they had exclusive info. The only thing more viral was that time I sneezed at the yogurt shop.

Catchy headlines, capital flight, environmental doom, eight hundred thousand people read the tweet, and guess what? Still just a rumor. Su Zhu-yes, that guy, the one who used to run Three Arrows Capital before it, you know, sank-says there’s “zero evidence.” Which in crypto speak means: Absolutely nothing has changed, but we love the drama. 🐉

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2025-08-05 01:46